I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We left an ass print on the piano.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Drake has all the answers
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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