I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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