So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
