The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
