Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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