He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
where am i from again
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize