Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
