My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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