Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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