okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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