Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize