So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
