i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She bit a glass in half.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
