matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize