You made me cry and you don't even care
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize