i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
