you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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