You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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