so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
