Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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