if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
