my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
