forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm having to shit out rocks
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
