i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
