Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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