she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
