I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You're like the curious george of whores
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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