So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize