I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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