I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize