You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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