Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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