Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
