So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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