oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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