Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
