I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
