Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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