I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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