Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
