It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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