Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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