He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
