Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
