Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize