Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
