1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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