I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
