Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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