So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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