sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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