I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Actions speak louder than pants.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize