you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
