hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
