Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
it's like heaven, but drunker
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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