Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
