Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
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