Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
