Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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