I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
